WHY

Hey. Guess what? Could you notice that I have problems? Is it written on my face or something? Because apparently everyone can read my thoughts or something like that.

A lot of times I get questioned about why I do the things that I do. Most of the time that I get that question, I often ignore it or try and change the topic. But I think this time I’ll try and answer some questions. And if anything, I can refer people to this post when they wanna get up in my face.

Why do you always need space when you’re with others? And what is space? It has a part two?

Truth be told, I don’t like talking to people when I’m not in the mood for it. I know that’s very selfish but honestly sometimes I don’t care. It really depends on the person/group that I’m with.

If it’s extended family, I feel like I don’t need to be there. I don’t feel welcomed to their environment at all. I know their auras all too well, and there isn’t a point in trying to conform to something that doesn’t have any meaning to me. They don’t seem to remember that my dad isn’t the only person in the world that can fix their stuff. He isn’t their personal handyman that you can get stuff done for free.

(What’s auras? Click it.)

If it’s church people, that’s no contest. I don’t like the atmosphere for church. I know that I don’t understand the Bible enough, despite being baptized. I know that I can actively search for the meaning or be more immersive to the language and it’s culture, but I feel like the whole experience is filtering. I feel like everyone I know who becomes more involved with church becomes a faceless vessel, like you have to leave a part of yourself out of the picture in order to gain its knowledge. It may just cut out their sins, and that’s what I’m seeing the most, maybe.

But church people also feel the need to be all up in my business about things. I know that they mean well, but they don’t have an understanding of space and how much I need it. Every week, I need to go outside and sit behind the building in the shady parts just to get space. This isn’t directed towards everyone there, there are definitely people who I enjoy their company. I am just not a fan of not having a bubble.

Co-workers are a whole different perspective. At the moment of me writing this, I work two jobs. I’ll break it up into two parts.

For my Student Assistant job, it’s hard. I want to interact with the students in the class. Over the last couple of months, I have grew heavily attached to them and genuinely wish for their success. Unfortunately, my social anxiety kicks in for whatever reason, my need for “space” becomes more apparent. I see my professor who I am working with constantly look at me while lecturing, as I put my hoodie higher enough to cover up my mouth. I do this subconsciously, sometimes to think about what I am about to say or to avoid contact with others.

For my retail job, I don’t know honestly. I know that I have had multiple conversations with my managers about it. They have told me multiple times that they genuinely like my company. But I can feel their aura, you know. I can tell the energy that they give off says that “our need for your entertainment has been met; just get out of our sight.” Sometimes, I know my work personality has a part in it; I know that I am annoying. I also know that I don’t want to be there, not just because of it being a bad job but because I don’t want to interact with others. If I could work alone, I would. Sometimes I let my aura run wild, spreading an uncomfortable and angry energy. And people will just not talk to me; making me invisible.

What about your partner? Unfortunately, sometimes it’s hard to talk to her. I don’t think she really needs me, to be honest with you. I do love her, but I know that I am a bad person. I know that there is a lot of darkness in my heart. I don’t want my malevolence to harm her. Her life is already difficult as it is, and I don’t want to add to it. I also know that she has had very bad runs with others in terms of romantically relationships. I know that I can easily change the rest of her life. Sometimes I need space to really think things out on if what I’m doing with her is truly best for her.

What about your friends? Sometimes, it’s just hard talking to people for me. I want certain relationships to go really far in terms of bonding; others I want to regress. It also doesn’t help that my natural personality easily makes me new friends. I have so much energy, positive and negative, that needs to be given to my friends. I don’t always feel comfortable talking to others, because I don’t know their habits that well. Sometimes I really need acceptance, but I can’t tell them. Sometimes I need them to listen, but I’ll have my lips closed. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk to them. Not for any particular reason. Or maybe because talking to others, sometimes, won’t heal but hurt me.

I know that I am going to “strive to be the best” and I’m “seeing what’s next” all of the time. But much like everything else, nothing gold stays. I have lots of mood shifts, and I don’t know if its in response to who I’m with or if it’s just me. I don’t know if I need go to therapy, either. I know that it would help, as I know some of my own issues easily recognizable from Psychology.

Sometimes I don’t know why, everyone. Sometimes I just want to be left alone until I can solve all of my issues before I handle our issues. I don’t have all of the answers. If I did, best believe I would change the world. I really do wish I did have the answers. No one should hurt as much as I do.

-J.E.

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