Lost.

I’m back, just touching base again. Things are looking up for me, and I told myself I was welcoming change. 

But, it feels like all I do is stress. So, I went into hiding for more than a week. I can’t remember the last time I got so lost. Yet, then again, i don’t remember things I should lately. 

The search album by NF is something that holds more importance to me than what I have admitted. I felt like if he could make it this far, maybe he could start to pave the way. I’ve been lost for a long time. His music made me think that just maybe, someone found where my presence dwells.

I’m at the age where everyone begins to compare the success levels of others to theirs. Potential doesn’t matter as much anymore, now you gotta make life happen. Know where you’re going, You gotta know where youre going. 

But, I’m just lost. 

I’ve seen through the people closest to me that I can take control of my life. Every day is filled with decisions I can either make or hang out to rot away. I fail my own expectations a lot, then, I give up and throw everything away. I don’t understand how I can identify the negative patterns of my behavior, yet I still have no desire to avoid them.

 I know some choices won’t matter much in a few years or even some choices won’t even in just a few months. I feel like all I do is use that for an excuse. 

Things are looking up though, and I do know where I’m headed, I just wish i could gather more memorable moments along my path to my goals. I don’t want to keep setting new goals when I reach the top of this merciless mountain I currently am struggling up. 

I know this path I’m taking is right. I’m not even saying I regret the choices I’ve been making. If anything I’m grateful for lots of them.

I’m pretty content with where I am, despite how this sounds. I found a path, and maybe I could’ve made it shorter, but that’s okay. 

I don’t know if it’s my path, and I still hear the voices, they keep telling me I’m lost. 

I think I’m done hiding now, though. That’s one more decision taken off the rack and made idle no longer.

.

~A.F.