Enough

If you want to know me, maybe you should first take note of the simple title I’ve laid out. No one should be confused, and I don’t want to leave anyone with out hope after reading my stories.

Teachers are great bullshitters, and anything that you can justify adequately in the English and arts classes will probably get you all the way through each of them.

Math and science, it’s a different ball game. Math and science, you need more than just your own solid logic.

This comparison in no way should implicate that math is superior to English either. I’m just saying, when you walk into a room full of future doctors, engineers, chemists, etc. that are actually succeeding, seeing as they’ve made it to a higher chemistry class, is not the kind of place for everyone.

Yes, it is literally exactly like measuring dicks. Who will be more successful? These classes feel like the hunger games to me now, and everyone is comparing themselves to you.

I feel bad for not encouraging my ex more when he felt the weight of this fucking insane race to success. I get it more than I used to now. I thought it was just a college thing, but it turns out science is a different ball game.

That’s my existence at school. I must justify my existence with good grades. Every college kid in the halls of this school is their own walking brand. Now everyone looks unique and so many decide to express this loudly now.

I’m not saying it’s bad, I just want to ask what it’s all for.

I guess I’m just so tired of not being able to find my place. I thought college would provide a space for me, but it turns out that I’m still the biggest outcast I know.

I still can’t find a partner in a class to save my life. My skills in college are pretty average, if not a little worse since I took a break.

I’m battling to stay awake, but I keep wondering wondering why I even should when all I do is make sandwiches and compare dick sizes with classmates constantly.

I am not enough. That’s the message the world keeps sending me and I have no reason to believe it’s wrong. I feel painfully , purely average. Maybe I’ll do well this semester, maybe I won’t. I don’t think this feeling is attached to my performance, though.

I can’t say I’m very satisfied with my life right now, otherwise I think I’d want to be in the present more. All this stuff I do is for my future. The question I ask myself daily though, is

Will it be enough?

Will I regret what I’ve sacrificed in this current life, or am I in the future thanking this version of me as we speak?

The more I think though, the more I know that it’s never going to be enough. I set goals only to reach those and set up more.

I don’t feel like I deserve to be here. The space I take up will never be justified in my own eyes.

I’m just, not enough. But I’m not willing to tap out yet, and I don’t know why that is either.

But, on I go.

And when I reach the end of my book, I’ll let you know if I found a story or two that was good enough.

~A.F.